from left to right: Amanda (My sister), Mom and I.
I remember a time 10 years ago, when you cut your long beautiful hair
super short. I remember it like it was yesterday. Seeing you walk into the house on Farries Avenue, through the back door with your shoulders dragging and your head seemed hard
for you to lift. I didn't understand what was going on because I was so young. I still can't remember when you told me you had cancer. I must have blocked it completely out of my memory. What I can say is that I always knew you were a fighter mom. But what
I never understood, was why for a second you considered just giving up on your fight? When you told us you didn't know if you wanted to go through with chemo, mom that scared the shit out of me. Do you remember me telling you "I haven't even gone to high school
and I'm going to lose my mother? You can't give up now!"
They told us you had one year to live, stage 4, hearing that was like a dull knife cutting into my
chest ever so slowly. What a bunch of bullshit that was! Well, I can always thank dad for making you go to different doctors and pushing you to continue to try different things and to fight. I knew from looking into his eyes that he needed you even more than
I did. He was there physically but his mind was a mess. I can't tell you how hard it was to look into a New York City cop's eyes and see him break. Dad was broken. We all were. Even Amanda was running on empty. She was so lost, I couldn't find my older sister
anymore. So no older sister to talk to, no father to lean on and no mother to keep anymore? We were all just broken.
Mom I'm not saying this to make you feel bad,
it's not your fault. I just want you to know that despite all of this undeniable pain you had to go through, we all stood by your side and remained composed. And you, you were our hero. You saved our lives just as much as you saved your own.
Thank you for letting me play guitar in your window every day and do homework afterwards. You made me feel like I was really special. You have no idea how much I liked you listening
to me play.
You told me recently that the one thing that hurt you the most was spending Christmas in the hospital because you were too weak to come home. Well
I don't know where your head is at because I would have much rather spent that Christmas at your side, eating crappy hospital food, than at any other place you could've suggested.
Mom you have to make me a promise. You have to tell everyone your story and stop being shy. People need to know that you are 10 years and fighting strong! People need hope. The only thing I can teach them is to never waste a second
neglecting the ones they love but you have to show them the courage card mom. We need to bring everyone together, like how we used to have Italian dinners at Nonna Maria's house, but multiplied by a thousand! Maybe if we keep fighting and show others that
they can too, someone else's daughter will be as lucky as I am! Think about that mom.
I want you to know that I knew I was going to shave my head despite reaching
our Fundraising goal for the American Cancer Society. I did it in honor of you. Not only that, but also in honor of all the men and women who fight on despite feeling like they've lost part of their identity, their hair. Hair wasn't going to control you, you
cut it off before it fell off and I'm proud of you for that. To tell you the truth, dad was right. You did look cute baldy! Ha-ha! I just wanted to make sure you knew that I'm not afraid to lose anything but you, or any of the people I love.
All I know is if I couldn't tell you these words I would never be able to forgive myself. Mommy, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the pain and stress your body and soul has
endured undeservingly. I'm sorry for any of the unnecessary stress I caused you when you were the last person that needed it. I'm sorry for missing that one mother's day. I'm sorry that I don't call you as much as I should. I'm sorry if I get angry with you
for not understanding me sometimes. I'm sorry if I ever lied to you. I'm sorry if I've ever pushed you away. But most importantly Mommy, Im not sorry for loving you unconditionally with all of me.